Saturday 28th August 2010
Drummond Castle 2003
What an awful day; awoke in pain and despite the meds the pain would not go away…Added to that I had a feeling of utter depression and like many days before I was praying for death to take me. I have suffered with depression all my life, wondering why I had been placed on this earth and why the hell I am still on it. I had so many plans not so many years ago and now most of them have gone to the wind, I have burnt my boats and there is no going back and so I only have the future to look forwards to. With days like today I wonder why the hell I am still here??? The internal pain hurts like hell apart from the physical, days like this I cry a lot and try to sleep the pain away, but you can only sleep just for so long…
I cut my hair, a lot shorted than I have had it in a long while and I don’t like it. It took 2 visits to the hairdressers before I could summons the courage to get it cut short ready for the holidays. The more I look at it, the more I dislike it.
I am sleeping badly again, two nights where I had no sleep at all and the last 24 hours I have done nothing but sleep. Trouble is, when I don’t sleep I don’t recover, so the week has been traumatic for me.
I have finished The Lost Symbol, by Dan Brown in just over a week, another 600 pages of reading; at least I can escape into the story line and forget the pain. At the moment I am reading “The Righteous Man” by Sam Brown who is suppose to be a challenger to Dan Brown style of writing….we shall see!!!!
As always I pray that this coming week will be better…….
