Saturday 14th August 2010
2004 Centre Parcs
As weeks go this has been not a good one for me, all in all I have been very depressed. Four events have contributed to this state of mind.
At the beginning of the week I received an e mail, most of its content were known to me but what has depressed me is I just don’t know how to respond, and that has upset me. Ordinarily I have no problems putting fingers to keyboard but this time I am struggling badly and so I have made the decision that it will remain unanswered (at this moment in time) until I can work out how to answer it.
For those who know me, I had this incredible plan 5 years ago; I knew where I was going and what I was going to do. My world fell apart in January 2008 when I became ill and was hospitalised and it seems that there has been one illness after another ever since. One of my plans was to get myself back into gainful employment and I am using DDF (Denbighshire Disability Forum) as a means to get back to being in work. What is upsetting me is there are more and more days when I am unable to complete the days I work there, I had one of those days last Thursday, I feel so useless that I can’t complete the 6 hours, I feel that I am letting the team down. Just when I manage to get one step forwards I am going two steps backwards and my goal is moving further and further away from me. I can’t ever see me getting back into work again and bringing in my own money and this is making me ever depressed. I spend so much of my time in these days in bed, sometimes sleeping, mostly just laying there waiting for my day to go…. Sad isn’t it?
At DDF I am spending a lot of my time getting the membership list together. Most of the work is done, but I have to go through the old membership files, trying to see if they are on the list and then getting all the details together to make up a legible database. We at DDF are supposed to be increasing the membership by 25 per months. The powers that be have decreed that we should be increasing by this number with no thought to the extra cost of sending the newsletter out three times a year. One of the incomplete forms prompted me to contact a lady whose name and address I did not have and part of my job is to find whether they would like to receive the newsletter or not. This lady I contacted sounded so down, it took me a while to get through to her what I was phoning about. Years ago I use to be a Samaritan and was with them for three years. This lady was so lonely and depressed that’s her original reason for contacting DDF was but the tip of the iceberg of her problems. She couldn’t get out, she didn’t have any money, couldn’t do things for herself on and on she was explaining her life. She refused to give me her name or address and she she really didn’t want to be contacted, but something was screaming inside of me to help this lady but I felt so utterly useless. With all that is in place in this country with Social Services, help groups etc etc, why has this lady slipped through the net?
Another sad thing happened this week. A friend is working hard to set up a charity to help birds. He is unemployed, so money is a real problem. During the week some mindless idiot trashed his aviaries and a lot of his hard work has been ruined. He will bounce back of that I am sure, but why do people do this??? Why can’t we just live and let live. He is in my thoughts.
However despite the depression I have started reading and listening to my music again… for so long I just lay in my room and the only noises were the buzzing and hissing of my tinnitus… I hope next week will be better.
