Sunday 7th November 2010

The end of September saw us in the Mediterranean on the island of Cyprus my first visit to this destination. It was a long flight out 4 hours and an even longer one back nearly 5 hours with an hour’s delay both ways which meant for a long journey on a Monarch flight which was far from comfortable. The outward journey was further hampered by a whinging pair of idiots sat right behind us who did nothing but complain from start to finish of the outward flight. Its one of the few times being deaf was an advantage; I just switched my hearing aid off!!!!

We left on a cool day 18 degrees and arrived in 30 degrees, what a difference, unlike Malta, Cyprus has high humidity 85+ on most days were there. We landed early evening and I must say the handling of the disabled at both ends was brilliant; the only delays we experienced was to wait until the people got off the plane but we were then fast tracked through customs and arrived outside before most of the passengers that had gotten off before us.

We were quickly taken to the transfer coach and some 30 minutes later we were outside our hotel. I was not prepared for the number of people there were staying at the hotel, I was only use to smaller more intimate hotels from past experience, but the hotel staff were friendly and helpful even if some of the guest had a face like a smacked ass!!!! I thought the idea of holidays was to enjoy and relax???? Some of the guests had clearly not embellished this concept.

What can I say about the hotel, our room was clean and tidy and spacious as was the rest of the site (it was a hotel and an apartment complex, so it was fairly big) The hotel was “tired” very much in need of repair and a few licks of paint but what the hell we were only using the hotel to have breakfast and sleep as we are people who like to explore the country were are visiting and not lay around the pool day after day like some of the guests. The pool was clean and fresh and a joy to go into after a dusty hot day out exploring, we made use of the pool a number of times during our stay but we never stayed long, 10 minutes in the pool, 20 minutes lying in the sun then up to our room for a shower and planning our evenings out.

Most of the restaurants were good if a little on the expensive side, I guess you pay for what you get but the food was good and for the most part delivered promptly. They do not believe in small dishes and most meals I could not finish. The meals on the 2 boat trips we went on were something else, the crew was fantastic and really looked after you. I am not a good swimmer but they were swimming around me all the time whilst I was in the sea and when I had to go down to the toilet one very kind lad helped me back and forth despite the rocking of the boat especially on the evening fireworks trip on the last night.

I don’t know if I was suffering a little jet lag but I did take a few days to recover from the journey and had my experience of disability hate, especially from the bus drivers who were ranging from rude to damn right obnoxious and I spent a lot of my time during the second day crying my eyes out at the way I was treated by one driver in particular. I had a word with the concierge at the hotel, it seems that the Cypriot people do not tolerate there disabled and tend to shut them away so nobody sees them, this was something I was not prepared for. In the two weeks of my holiday I only saw one local with a walking stick but there were many on holiday who were disabled. Once I understood this I gave as much as I got and managed to get through the holiday with few more tears. I must say that I may have been vulnerable being so tired from the 4 hour plus flight.

Cyprus is steeped in history and we went on as many trips as we could afford and thoroughly enjoyed the experiences we had. The one striking thing was the churches and monasteries, they were all gorgeous and so well preserved and so ornate. They looked as if they had been built recently not hundreds of years ago.

Would I go again…. Oh yes…. But not to the same hotel, not because it was bad but we never go back to the same place. I was not as friendly as Malta or Kos which remain my favourite places I have visited so far.

Saturday 11th September 2010

Livingstone 2005

OMG what a week and a busy and frustrating one at that. The first half was spent in bed getting over this blessed cold, then in my infinite wisdom I decided to two days on the trot at work, which was a big mistake insofar as half way through my second day I felt like a zombie, some would say this is my natural state!!! But it was no joke I felt so out of it and by the time I got home all I wanted to do was to sleep and I had 10 hours straight, which on its own was a good nights sleep but I was so tired the next day as well.
Mental note to oneself…. Do not do two on the trot again; I need the day in-between to recover.

I am reading Sam Bourne’s “The Chosen One” which I feel is was not as good as the last book of his “The Last Testament”. I have been slowly going through this book but it’s taken a third of the book to really get into the plot.

Work is going well and I am enjoying both the work and the camaraderie of being in a job where 99% of the people are a pleasure to work with. There is always one who rocks the boat, I am always pleased to help anybody that needs help but when certain people can’t be assed to look for information which is clearly available online and that person is clearly capable of looking for this information herself, I get so annoyed. This person breezes into DDF like a hurricane and like the aforementioned earthly destructive power leaves despair all around when she goes. Like I said I am pleased to help those who need it, I didn’t ignore this lady but it was no pleasure to help!!! And that is not me

So much to do in my garden at this time of year and there is never two days the same so I can get these jobs done, but I am slowly getting there. Gardening is my second love (photography is my first) and I love being out in “my domain”.

Sunday 5th September 2010

Rhyl Harbour 2003

About a week ago I was in company and the conversation got around to the dreaded cold and that it was the bane of all those who were there. I quite proudly stated that I hadn’t had a cold in many many years. You know where this is going, I started one on last Thursday and have spent the last three days in bed!!! Me and my big mouth!!!

Its been a so so week apart from this blessed cold, work as usual on Tuesday and Thursday and a visit to the Colwyn Bay Mountain Zoo last Thursday where I believe I caught this ****** cold. It was a lovely day and plenty of people enjoying the last day before the children went back to school again. It had been many years since I last went there and had an enjoyable but exhausting day wandering around.

Saturday 28th August 2010

Drummond Castle 2003

What an awful day; awoke in pain and despite the meds the pain would not go away…Added to that I had a feeling of utter depression and like many days before I was praying for death to take me. I have suffered with depression all my life, wondering why I had been placed on this earth and why the hell I am still on it. I had so many plans not so many years ago and now most of them have gone to the wind, I have burnt my boats and there is no going back and so I only have the future to look forwards to. With days like today I wonder why the hell I am still here??? The internal pain hurts like hell apart from the physical, days like this I cry a lot and try to sleep the pain away, but you can only sleep just for so long…

I cut my hair, a lot shorted than I have had it in a long while and I don’t like it. It took 2 visits to the hairdressers before I could summons the courage to get it cut short ready for the holidays. The more I look at it, the more I dislike it.

I am sleeping badly again, two nights where I had no sleep at all and the last 24 hours I have done nothing but sleep. Trouble is, when I don’t sleep I don’t recover, so the week has been traumatic for me.

I have finished The Lost Symbol, by Dan Brown in just over a week, another 600 pages of reading; at least I can escape into the story line and forget the pain. At the moment I am reading “The Righteous Man” by Sam Brown who is suppose to be a challenger to Dan Brown style of writing….we shall see!!!!

As always I pray that this coming week will be better…….

Monday 23rd August 2010

Edinburgh 2003

Rather a strange week for me, some good bits for a change, but the weekend was very emotional.

For some reason I have started reading again, I have had trouble in the past trying to concentrate for more that 10 minutes. However if I have a problem with the computer then I seem to have no problems with concentration, weird!!! I suddenly decided to start reading Christian Jacq again. He is one of the few authors I can read and enjoy. His books on Egyptology are amazing, his knowledge on the subject is without parallel, I have been struggling of late reading his “The Queen of Freedom Trilogy” I managed to get though about half of one book in 6 months, but all of a sudden I started reading him again and finished the remaining 2 books in a matter of a couple of weeks.. Then I started reading Dan Brown, I enjoyed his “The Da Vinci Code” a while back and of course I got the film and enjoyed that. Well I have a copy of his “Angels and Demons” and read the 600 pages within the past week, I had to of course had to get the film as well and enjoyed that over the weekend. I have started reading his “The Lost Symbol” now…. It’s been years since I was able to read so prolifically.

It’s been a strange week insofar as I went into DDF (Denbighshire Disability Forum) on Monday and Wednesday, instead of the usual Tuesday and Thursdays and this has thrown my week out. On Wednesday at DDF we had First Aid training, and I thoroughly enjoyed the long day. The lady who ran the course was brilliant, I generally hate going to meetings of any kind and more than often I fall asleep, not because I was bored, but because I can’t hear what is being said and the rooms are often warm and stuffy, I am almost notorious for falling asleep!!!!! Not with the lady from The Red Cross, she made the subject interesting, In the beginning, I told her that I was deaf and she almost geared the lecture making sure I could hear and understand what was being said, why can’t more lecturers behave like this? All the participants were DDF members and so we had a lot of fun and I felt that she enjoyed teaching us too!!!!

Its been a painful week as well, I had a couple of good moments but I did struggle with emotions again, I hate being and feeling this way, I get so tired so quickly and then I start to think about things and then get emotional and very weepy. I am also feeling very cold as well; I am told that it’s the morphine that is responsible. Despite the warm weather I wake up shaking like a leaf and it takes me ages to get warm again

Well it’s the usual British summer again nice and sunny up to June And then almost non stop rain since, I am so looking forwards to my holiday at least the weather will be nice and sunny.

Saturday 14th August 2010

2004 Centre Parcs

As weeks go this has been not a good one for me, all in all I have been very depressed. Four events have contributed to this state of mind.

At the beginning of the week I received an e mail, most of its content were known to me but what has depressed me is I just don’t know how to respond, and that has upset me. Ordinarily I have no problems putting fingers to keyboard but this time I am struggling badly and so I have made the decision that it will remain unanswered (at this moment in time) until I can work out how to answer it.

For those who know me, I had this incredible plan 5 years ago; I knew where I was going and what I was going to do. My world fell apart in January 2008 when I became ill and was hospitalised and it seems that there has been one illness after another ever since. One of my plans was to get myself back into gainful employment and I am using DDF (Denbighshire Disability Forum) as a means to get back to being in work. What is upsetting me is there are more and more days when I am unable to complete the days I work there, I had one of those days last Thursday, I feel so useless that I can’t complete the 6 hours, I feel that I am letting the team down. Just when I manage to get one step forwards I am going two steps backwards and my goal is moving further and further away from me. I can’t ever see me getting back into work again and bringing in my own money and this is making me ever depressed. I spend so much of my time in these days in bed, sometimes sleeping, mostly just laying there waiting for my day to go…. Sad isn’t it?

At DDF I am spending a lot of my time getting the membership list together. Most of the work is done, but I have to go through the old membership files, trying to see if they are on the list and then getting all the details together to make up a legible database. We at DDF are supposed to be increasing the membership by 25 per months. The powers that be have decreed that we should be increasing by this number with no thought to the extra cost of sending the newsletter out three times a year. One of the incomplete forms prompted me to contact a lady whose name and address I did not have and part of my job is to find whether they would like to receive the newsletter or not. This lady I contacted sounded so down, it took me a while to get through to her what I was phoning about. Years ago I use to be a Samaritan and was with them for three years. This lady was so lonely and depressed that’s her original reason for contacting DDF was but the tip of the iceberg of her problems. She couldn’t get out, she didn’t have any money, couldn’t do things for herself on and on she was explaining her life. She refused to give me her name or address and she she really didn’t want to be contacted, but something was screaming inside of me to help this lady but I felt so utterly useless. With all that is in place in this country with Social Services, help groups etc etc, why has this lady slipped through the net?

Another sad thing happened this week. A friend is working hard to set up a charity to help birds. He is unemployed, so money is a real problem. During the week some mindless idiot trashed his aviaries and a lot of his hard work has been ruined. He will bounce back of that I am sure, but why do people do this??? Why can’t we just live and let live. He is in my thoughts.

However despite the depression I have started reading and listening to my music again… for so long I just lay in my room and the only noises were the buzzing and hissing of my tinnitus… I hope next week will be better.

Monday, 9th August 2010

Kos from Asklepieion June 2010

Well as weeks go this has not been a bad one, but the pain continues unabated.

I have been on Morphine for over 2 years now, it the only thing that takes away the bad pain. It never take the pain away completely it’s always there but, the patches I am now on are a lot better than the Oxycotin tablets I was on before. For the most part the headaches have gone and so has the perpetual fog… the non stop, unable to focus. One side effect of the drug is I have been slowly losing my teeth, they have been slowly but surely degenerating, some have just fallen out other just break off, for example just eating a butty. Either way I hate the way I look, my dentist as at least empathetic to my plight and is going her best to sort me out. But my roots remain strong, my last extraction took 25 minutes to remove and left me so tender, that was 2 months ago and I am still sore from the experience.

Like I said this past week has been a reasonable one, for a change. My sleep pattern is far from ideal at the most I get 2 hours before I wake up, and most times I take an age to go back to sleep, sometimes I am awake all night. I went back to my doctors to ask for help with my third day pain (At the moment I am on patches, which I change every third day, but the third day has been hell on earth for me. I take Paracetamol, which really doesn’t help one little bit apart from making me tired. So I tend to sleep a lot on my second day!!! I am told I had a glazed expression and if I was at work I would have to go home, go to bed and try to sleep until my next change of Morphine). Well the doc was helpful, I was dreading seeing him again after the argument of a few weeks ago when I first asked for patches. Now I am on Solpadol a mixture of Paracetamol and Codeine, now the pain is tolerable and I can function on my third day. Like I said the pain is always there, it never goes away, I just have to do what I have to do to get through my pain and my day.

Talking of pain I have been referred to the Pain Clinic again and have had to fill out a long questionnaire about my lifestyle and my pain. I went to the clinic a few years back, I think it helped then; time will tell if they can help this time. I was a lot stronger then, I know I have lost a lot of upper body strength over the years. I know when I was in my wheelchair a while ago I was unable to propel myself, guess this must be an age thing.

DDF is going well and I am so enjoying the work still, and the people are lovely, at least I am still getting a buzz out of helping people. As long as that is still there then I shall continue going along…. As long as they still want and need me.

Another lift company called during the week and measured me up for a replacement lift. At least this one sounded more promising, I will be having a seat which will face ¾ down the stairs as there is not enough room to go up side on. That was always a problem, my stairwell is quite narrow and Stannah, the first lift company couldn’t / wouldn’t help. The costing still has to be approved so its fingers crossed!!!

Went out for a very rare night out last Friday with the girls from DDF and had a good night at Table Table in Rhuddlan. The meal was good; the service was excellent as was our waitress. The only down side was they dimmed the lights later on and I had trouble lipreading / hearing the conversation and so the last couple of hours I did not enjoy, up till then the company was good too. I so hate being deaf, especially when I have no control over the environment.

This weekend was Rhyl Air show a two day event, but the weather especially on the first day was awful and together with technical problems not a lot took place. I have always enjoyed air shows and do not get to enough of them, so to get one literally on my doorstep cannot be missed. The weather on the first day deteriorated so much the Falcons team could not do their display, luckily they managed on the second day. I was disappointed at not staying for the Lancaster but I got myself very cold and had to come home… went to bed to get warm again. The Sunday was a lot better and I managed to take a lot of photographs. I really must make an effort to get to a proper display next year it’s been a good few years since my last one. I get so cold these days and so tired.

Saturday, 31 July 2010

Kos Town June 2010

It been a long time since my last entry and hopefully this is about to change. I have made my previous Blogs entries sanitary and politically correct but that is about to change. From now on I will tell it how I see it, warts and all but I will not name names, the people I am talking about only they will know who they are.

Severe pain is debilitating, it takes over your life, it dominates you, it can rule your life if you let it. I have been fighting this pain for 15 plus years now and I am struggling. I also have a bladder problem, I am profoundly deaf and have had a fight with depression for many more years than I care to remember and yes I have attempted suicide a few times. This is me and at times I do not like me.

My three years at University were not easy especially from January 2008 when my world fell apart with a myriad of illnesses, and I am still fighting trying to keep myself together. One of the hardest problems at University was that I became totally stone deaf in my right ear (I was already 60% deaf in my left), most people accepted I had a problem, one tutor made my life hell because despite being told, refused to face me when talking and I misheard many many instruction and so wasted a lot of time and energy doing things that were not right. Most of the tutors were lovely but this one made my life hell, why are some people like this???

Despite all I graduated on the 29th October 2009 and it was a very proud moment when I went up on the stage to shake the hand of the Vice Chancellor to collect my 2.1 BA (hons) Interactive Multimedia Design degree. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get a 2.1. A few of my fellow students were hell bent on getting a first or a 2.1 but it never bothered me, I tried to do the work the best I could with the instructions I was given, sometimes it worked, sometimes didn’t. But on the whole I enjoyed what I was doing and I like to think I made a lot of friends at Uni.

Since then the pain has gotten worse, exponentially so, and so today I have stopped talking to my old friends, I have just shut myself off hiding in this pain I am experiencing. To these friends I am so sorry, it is hard to think when I am like this and if I have offended then I am so sorry.
I am trying to get myself sorted, trying to get my life together, but it’s so hard when there is so much pain. It gets to the stage where you don’t know where to start to try to have a quality of life.

I started at DDF (Denbighshire Disability Forum) in November 2009 with the idea of helping myself get back into work. I was under contract with a firm call Agoriad and initially had a 30 day placement with DDF but this was extended and now, some 8 months later, am a volunteer with the organisation. I am thoroughly enjoying my time there I work two days a week, helping out where and when I can. Most of the people that come through DDF have little or no experience of computers and its nice to have the buzz that I am doing my bit to help. DDF main role is to help people who are experiencing problems with disability and hopefully to point them in the right direction so we can help, sometime we can, sometimes we can’t, but I think we do our best. The staff and the other volunteers are a lovely bunch and I think we get on well with one another, all I know is, I am enjoying my time there, it gets me out the house for a couple of days a week and its helping me tot to go ga ga.

1st December 2009

Update

It’s been a long time since my last entry and so much has happened in my life since.
My graduation has been the much needed light in my life. I was more than gob-smacked at the 2.1 grade received, never in my dream did I think that I would do so well. I can only thank my tutors, Adam, Liz, Dan and a special thanks to Pauline all of whom were instrumental in my unexpected grade. The graduation day was an experience I will never forget; even the ill fitting gown and ever falling off cap, did not spoil the experience of the day. The ushers/ marshals (not sure what they were called) were brilliant and helped make the ceremony so memorable. It was lovely meeting all my fellow students again, I so miss the camaraderie of working with such nice people, I didn’t realise this until the day of my graduation. My family were with me which made the event so much memorable.
Soon was my turn to go onto the stage and join my group to cross the stage and shake the hand of the Vice Chancellor; It was such a proud moment. I watched so many students who were so nervous at going onto the stage but I was lapping up the moment and thoroughly enjoy the whole event. After shaking hands with the Vice Chancellor I started to make my way down the stairs and I did a little jig and waved my stick in the air, I was so proud!!!!

All too soon the pomp and circumstance of the day was over and we made our way to the SID building to meet up with family and friends and a little drink, I was walking on air still and I have been floating ever since. After the event I went with my family to a meal at a local restaurant and what a lovely meal it was.
Well all that was a month ago now, I have received my degree, my official photograph (which I was very pleased with), my sweater with all the graduates name printed on it. All I am waiting for is the DVD of the day, I so hope the images of friends I have made over the past 3 years will be there.
Where am I going now and what I am I going to do with this degree???
Through a company called Agoriad which is connected to Pathways and the Job Centre I am doing work placement at the Denbighshire Disability Forum , I started out doing one day a week and now I am doing two days in preparation for the real work I hope to get at the end of all of this. They have asked me to help train others on computers and I am more than happy to do this, I know from the experiences of years ago how difficult computers can be when you don’t know what you are doing, they can be so daunting, so if I can make somebody’s life a little easier then I am happy.

What are my hopes and dreams for the future???

I would love to work in the area of my degree which is multimedia, I know that I love photography and image manipulation so any work in these areas would be lovely. I know I enjoy coding and things that really stretch my mind, I do not like doing repetitive things although I am aware that repetition is a part of working life. I like being with people, I do not like being on my own, although when I do have a problem I like to shut myself off and try and concentrate on the task in hand. I do not enjoy being on my own day after day; I have had so many years of being solitary.

Now is the time for me to live again!!!

09 Negotiated Studies #1 & 2 -07

09 Negotiated Studies #1 & 2 -07

Wow only 9 days to go until assessment and I am getting nervous.
I wonder if I have done enough, and is it good enough???
I have now sorted out all on my folders into the new A3 binders so that the majority of my work looks to be in order, and they are at least looking ok, I hope the contents match!!! All I have to do is keep the updates added to the respective folders and that side will be done and dusted.

Professional Practice: -
http://www.zonefest.co.uk
I have gone through each of the respective e mails and placed post-it stickers against all relevant pages.
All I am doing now is awaiting any further feedback letters and I still have to do the evaluation of the whole experience.

Family Brief: -
I have started doing the mock-up to the website in Illustrator and my main task now is to build the site in Dreamweaver.
I have completed the .swf file for the section where they live, I think it works ok. The multi images of how they move should be a doddle; it’s just a case of insert the 4x .swf files into the respective folder, so that all the movies show at the same time.

Skype (ycn)
Have completed the storyboard to the game,, but I am not going to have enough time to actually build the game itself, but I have been developing the actions in stop motion have completed up to 50 images so far. Hoping to make this far more elaborate than anything I have done before.
I have managed to find a few books from the library to help me with the flying sequence of the animation.

Website: -

http://www.pamfaye1948.co.uk

As per last entry

Final Show: -
I am building the website from the Family brief.
I was hoping to build another Flash program using Arduino and Actionscript but was told not to bother.
I am gutted because I have spent money on the Arduino set and now will not be able to put it to some use. Hey ho!!!